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Dr. Knapp's Jokes

For archive of past jokes click here.


Last updated:   04/08/2015

Why do T Rex dinosaurs not clap their hands.      Because they are extinct.

Why do you not let Elsa (from frozen) hold your balloon?  Because she might "Let it go... let it go!"

Why my kid is CRYING!!!


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
“You dumber than buffalo chip.   Someone stole the tent."
 


A man went to a pet store to get a fish.  He noticed a strange, colored fish and asked the owner what the fish was called. “That’s a parrot fish,” said the owner. “It sings like a bird.” The man looked doubtful so the owner told him he could bring the fish back if he wasn’t satisfied. A week later the man returned to the store to return the fish saying “You were right. The fish can sing. But, he’s horribly off key, and it is just too difficult to tuna fish.”


A man was dating a girl named Lorain.  She was nice but a new girl moved into town who was named Clearly and she was clearly better than Lorain.  Then Lorain moved to another town and the man went to his friend and said:

"I can see Clearly now Lorain is gone."


Randy, the painter, often thinned his paint to make it go further. The Baptist Church decided to restore its biggest building. Randy put in a low bid and got the job. He bought the paint, and, yes, thinned it with turpentine. Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty. Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from above, a mighty voice roared: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"


A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.  She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"  

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear.  What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302.

The Operator replied, "Let me check.  Oh, good news.  Her record says that Holly is doing very well.  Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

 The Grandmother said, "Thank you.  That's wonderful!  I was so worried!  God bless you for the good news."

 The operator replied, "You're more than welcome.  Is Holly your daughter?"

 The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302.  No one tells me squat."

____________________________ 

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right.................
 
 "You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
 
 "You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
 
 "You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
 
 "You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
 
 "You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone newsletter, and report card.
 
 "You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
 
 "You want me to do all this and then you tell me... "I CAN'T PRAY?"

 

Gonna be a bear

 In this life I’m a woman.  In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.  When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate.  You do nothing but sleep for six months.  I could deal with that. 

 Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.  I could deal with that too.

 When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (how are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cure, cuddly cubs.  I could definitely deal with that.

 If you’re mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.  You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.  If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.  I could deal with that.

 If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.  He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. 

Yup, gonna be a bear!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Why do blonds smile in a thunder and lightening storm?

They think someone is taking their picture.


The man went into the cafe for a drink.  It was a nice place with music, bowel of peanuts, and mood lighting.  Then he heard a voice "Hey! Nice shirt!".   He turned and did not see anyone.  Then he heard "Wow!  Nice tie you have on."  The waitress walked up about then and he asked the her what the voices were.  She said "Oh that is just the peanuts.  They are complementary!"


Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why?  Answer:  "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.  I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills.  If you're kidded, you've lose a very important part of your life."

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.  We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth.  I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.  May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

A man went to the local church and asked to join. The preacher said, "OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first. The first question is "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Longview."

The preacher said, "Sorry...you can't join our church."

Soooooo....he went to another church and asked to join. The preacher said, "We would love to have you but you have to pass a Bible test first. Where was Jesus born?" The man said "Nacogdoches."

The preacher said "Sorry...you can't join our church."

Soooo....he goes to another church and asked to join. The preacher said, "That's great! We welcome you with open arms."

The man said, "I don't have to pass no Bible test first?"

The preacher said, "No."

The man said, "Can I ask you a question?"

The preacher said, "Sure."

The man said, "Where was Jesus born?"

The preacher said, "Palestine."

The man mumbled to himself "I knew it was in East Texas somewhere."


 


GREAT  TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


Previous Weeks Jokes:

How do you play Iraqi bingo?.......... B-52 ... F-16 ... B-2...F-18
What is Iraq's national bird?.......... Duck.
   What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?........They
both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?.............. So they
can see their air force.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him.... what? 

 A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog
starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he
notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh Boy, I'm in danger now."  Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,  
and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"  Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid
stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the
leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them
yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never
trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"


An aggie goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
 He says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
 The clerk says, "What denomination?"
 The aggie says, " O my God. Has it come to this?
 Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."


Last week I took my children to a restaurant.  My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
 As we bowed our heads he said,  "God is good. God is great.  Thank you for the food,  and I would even thank you more if  Mom gets us ice cream for dessert.  And Liberty and justice for all!
 Amen!"
 Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark,  "That's what's wrong with this country.  Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
 Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me,  "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
 As I held him and assured him  that he had done a terrific job and  God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my son and said,
 "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
 "Really?" my son asked.
 "Cross my heart," the man replied.
 Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
 
 Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal.  My son stared at his for a moment
 and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
 "Here, this is for you.Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes;  and my soul is good already."


An old man lived alone. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very
hard work and his only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for
bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his
predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply: "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the
entire garden, that's where I buried the money." At 4 a.m. the next
morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden without
finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was, "Now plant
your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."


Why did the kid throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see the butterfly.


GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE


A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad  news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that.  I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"
Kenny,  "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.


1.  On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. 
                 ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
2.  On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside. 
                (the shoplifter special)?
3.  On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." 
                (and that would be how???....) 
4.  On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
                 (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
5.  On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." 
                 (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! 
6.  On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." 
                 (talk about a news flash)
7.  On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." 
                 (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Two Aggies were hunting and had shot a dear.  They were dragging it by the hind legs when
another Aggie passed them and commented: You can go faster if you drag him by the antlers.
So the Aggies started dragging him by the antlers.  Then one Aggie said, wow we are going
much faster but we are getting farther from the car!


An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings. "I've got good news and bad news," she said. "The good news is that some guy inquired if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"And the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."


Cat Lover's Rules: 

1. The cat is not allowed in the house. 
2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture. 
4. The cat can get on the old furniture only. 
5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to 
           sleep with the humans on the bed. 
6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow. 
7. OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only. 
8. Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too. 
9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; 
            only the cat can sleep on the pillow. 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


Previous Weeks Jokes:

How do you play Iraqi bingo?.......... B-52 ... F-16 ... B-2...F-18
What is Iraq's national bird?.......... Duck.
   What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?........They
both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?.............. So they
can see their air force.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him.... what? 

 A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog
starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he
notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh Boy, I'm in danger now."  Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,  
and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"  Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid
stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the
leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them
yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never
trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"


An aggie goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
 He says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
 The clerk says, "What denomination?"
 The aggie says, " O my God. Has it come to this?
 Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."


Last week I took my children to a restaurant.  My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
 As we bowed our heads he said,  "God is good. God is great.  Thank you for the food,  and I would even thank you more if  Mom gets us ice cream for dessert.  And Liberty and justice for all!
 Amen!"
 Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark,  "That's what's wrong with this country.  Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
 Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me,  "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
 As I held him and assured him  that he had done a terrific job and  God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my son and said,
 "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
 "Really?" my son asked.
 "Cross my heart," the man replied.
 Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
 
 Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal.  My son stared at his for a moment
 and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
 "Here, this is for you.Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes;  and my soul is good already."


An old man lived alone. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very
hard work and his only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for
bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his
predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply: "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the
entire garden, that's where I buried the money." At 4 a.m. the next
morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden without
finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was, "Now plant
your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."


Why did the kid throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see the butterfly.


GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE


A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad  news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that.  I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"
Kenny,  "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.


1.  On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. 
                 ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
2.  On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside. 
                (the shoplifter special)?
3.  On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." 
                (and that would be how???....) 
4.  On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
                 (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
5.  On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." 
                 (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! 
6.  On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." 
                 (talk about a news flash)
7.  On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." 
                 (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Two Aggies were hunting and had shot a dear.  They were dragging it by the hind legs when
another Aggie passed them and commented: You can go faster if you drag him by the antlers.
So the Aggies started dragging him by the antlers.  Then one Aggie said, wow we are going
much faster but we are getting farther from the car!


An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings. "I've got good news and bad news," she said. "The good news is that some guy inquired if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"And the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."


Cat Lover's Rules: 

1. The cat is not allowed in the house. 
2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture. 
4. The cat can get on the old furniture only. 
5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to 
           sleep with the humans on the bed. 
6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow. 
7. OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only. 
8. Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too. 
9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; 
            only the cat can sleep on the pillow. 

 

 

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